Breaking the Silence

“Mmmmaaaa” was the moaning sound my voice cried. The next morning I was woken up again by “Mmmmmaaaa.

Alarmed from this daily ritual, I was in search for the cause of this deep pain. Physically I was pain free, but knew this was my spirit crying out.  I took the summer off from water ski competitions and returned to the joy of skiing.

The stress of performing was gone and I was able heal. By the end of the season, I was surprised how well my body felt. This could not have happened without the amazing team at Kinetic Sports Rehab. I never knew I could ski without pain.

Excited about this new found joy I decided to write a book how others can have this same healing.  Little did I know it was my spirit’s way of wanting to heal. Once I started writing the book, this morning mourning sound started connecting my mind and body to its spirit.

Sadly, this morning cry became a ritual with a painful memory buried deep within my body.  But the pain had no place to live in my body’s temple. My body was exhausted from carrying the pain and this morning cry was its way of trying to escape.

This alarming cry was my wake up call to attend to my spirit’s wound. I was given the opportunity to put the words of my crying voice at a Soul on Fire Retreat.

Choking as I spoke truth of my sexual abuse at the young at of four years old, I feared. A fear of denial of my story, a fear of safety, a fear of acceptance, a fear I could longer endure. I spoke into freedom as the words fell out of my mouth telling my life story.

Water-skiing was my tool to seek revenge on this sinful act of abuse. I wanted to out perform, out ski, and out medal this abuse with a deep goal wanting them to experience the same shame, hurt, guilt and exposure that was bestowed on me and carried throughout my life.

My bodied carried the pain of my silence, keeping everyone else safe. Through all these injuries my body was communicating to my mind the injury of my spirit. Yet my mind could not bring myself to heal this hidden hurt. I love water-skiing and I know someday I will return. And I love the person who caused this pain. I still consider him a close friend.

Without telling this story, I would remain a victim to my story instead of the victorious possibility of healing by telling this story. I had to heal my body physically by eliminating competitions, which lead me to mentally heal with writing a book.

Healing physically and mentally opened the floodgates for my spirit to heal. My hope with writing this is to continue to open these floodgates of healing for him and anyone whose story parallels with mine.

Our bodies crave what you feed it!  At first I told my body to crave the pain through competitions as I was seeking my worth. Still motivated by competitions, I desperately needed to heal multiple injuries. I started to tell my body to crave healing. Little did I know I was giving my spirit a chance to heal from a life long held trauma.

Convinced from my story, the unconscious brain is active through our bodies, our brainbody. Our bodies’ movement is our unconscious brain being played out into reality leaving our mind a stranger to own its body.

The human body stores its traumatic stories physically with guarded muscles, cancer, tooth decay, tumors, and in my case broken ribs.  The beauty is how our bodies are our landscape to hope. Similar to a volcano landscape, the earth is able to produce a new awe beauty through the transformation of decay to new life. Our bodies are designed to do the same.

The human body is designed to express a healing hope. My Strength Spirit is ready to shine this power of hope, and I know yours is too!